Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize