I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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