Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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