you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
