Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
