when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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