i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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