i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Let's get the cat blown out
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
