weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
