i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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