she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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