I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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