ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
