he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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