Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
