She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
