Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
