My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
