but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
