So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My underwear smells like fireworks.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
