his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
