I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
