I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
