Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
