Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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