fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
