Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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