Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
