.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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