The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
