I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize