we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
