my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
