the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
How does one acquire holy water?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
