dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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