I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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