I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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