Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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