i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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