I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize