there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
