I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
