just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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