I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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