Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
