I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
