I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize