she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
