I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
