walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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