she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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