just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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