Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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