If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
