Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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