shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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