mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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