i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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