Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
