really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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