We need to rekindle our bromance
nutella sex= disaster
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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