I feel great
I just peed on a car
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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