Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
