Nicole vs. Life
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
