The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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