You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
