i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
