I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Randomize
