Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize